Su

This is how we do

2009-12-04T15:22:36Z

Save!
Originally uploaded by .Naina

This cute little time lapse experiment by my photographer bestie put a smile on my face so I thought I'd share this. Enjoy!

I hate life as always

2008-12-27T18:43:02Z

I think i must be the only one who hates herself this much. Most of all because i have little or no control over my life. Life is like a massive whirlpool sucking everything into a black vortex and i am an aimless driftwood mercilessly caught in its raging currents. Its like i have no guidance, no purpose in life. I just drift along aimlessly. Sometimes i think God has forsaken me. I hate that there are so many restrictions of which i dont understand and i hate myself because i cannot make myself pray 5 times a day. I hate myself because i cannot be something more. I hate myself because i think i need to earn love-that i would only be loved if i became a somebody. And every minute that passes by im nearer a breakdown. I dont think i can be a somebody and my parents have ensnared me in an ultimatum-i either become a somebody or die an unloved, unfulfilled somebody. Do u know how much stress it puts on me? It's like my life will only reach significance and purpose once i become a somebody. As long as i haven't reached that goal yet i will always continue to be an almost but not quite girl. Im sick of being levered and manipulated based on other peoples' opinions. I hate that i have to pretend to fit in.I hate that MP is so superficial and i hate Mon for hurting me like this. Most of all i hate myself for letting people push and pull me this and that way.

I also hate KJ for being such a drama loving pompous ass who wrapped himself in a delusion cocoon of grandeur which no one else falls for but his naive girl friend.

Gorsh

2008-08-31T14:07:50Z

I guess i got a new perspective when i hung out with my old school friends. They were so nice and warm and funny as hell. Abeer was the glue, the ice breaker that brought us together and even Nainz was the social butterfly. This has got to be one of the best moments in my life and i finally felt accepted in this strange alien world full of false assumptions and presumptions and bricks built on foundations of lies.
And it made me question what the hell im doing in a retarded place like UIA. Why am i there? Is it worth all the pain and suffering and mental conflicts? Why is everyone so mundane and kampung and why am i so judgmental? And why cant i just seem to get a boyfriend? ANd i wonder with shame if id come across as desperate to Syazwan. I hope the dood burns in hell. Why ddnt he want me? Why did he push me away when i could have been the best thing that happened to him? But now its too late, my feelings for him have dried up like leaves in sad, sad autumn. All i have is contempt and a feeling of rejection albeit never expressed in words or actions thoroughly.
Maybe im one of those hermit souls doomed to live and die a solitary life w/o a partner. Coz no one ever fully got her. And she was always MS Almost. Almost this, almost beautiful, Almost really smart, Almost every man's dream, Almost the perfect daughter, Almost achieved her ambition, almost...almost...almost. I think i dread being an Almost. Id rather be bad ass n achieve nothing than be an almost coz at least if i was badass id be good at being a badass and not having a care for the rules that govern Ms Almost. I hate not making the cut. I hate uncertainty and fear of the deep blue where anything is possible. Even my own strength but all i see are the myriad of almosts and failings and things that could go wrong.

And feels like crap at home coz i have no set routine and mom and dad expect so much of me sometimes i wish i was carefree and selfish like Mon. Then they wudnt expect so much of me coz i wudnt be able to deliver. Like now i feel guilty being up here spending so much time wasting it

Flickr

2008-04-20T06:50:43Z

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

moonshadowsu @ 2007-08-25T21:00:00

2007-08-25T13:41:55Z

life has been he;;. cant sleep, cant eat. been depressed like hell. in no mood to study n seriously in need of respect, love attention and a boyfriend. n i need to see naina. she makes me feel good abt myself and i can actually be around her what i cant be around other ppl. sure we've had our fites n will hav in d future but im sure our f/ship will survive the test. im so glad i met a fren like her. she reminds me thers still goodness left in the world...
im not surprised ppl treat me like shit coz i let them treat me like shit. first mp, mon the lil, obstinate, self obsessed bitch and then even my so-called friends. either there is something seriously wrong wit me or wit them.haha trust me i tend to bring out the worst in others. ppl bcum bitchy, sarcastic, mean in my presence...n now even AJ and fatin. at least zaira's not mean to me. i wish i cud stop rising to their bait. it hurt me when they called me emo n teased me all the time n wen AJ hit me n calls me biatch all the time...n fatin wit her dry, sarcastic sense of humour n their idea of negating everything i say. y does everyone negate n belittle what i have to say? i feel so low when they give me looks like u ddnt kno and all. im sure they're as insecure...it wudnt die for them to say im pretty or thanks for takin us to klcc. i dunno but i ddnt enjoy today's outing. n i hate that i talk alot. but at the same time if im not talkin in a constant state of airing my thoughts, i feel stifled. n y do ppl look down on ppl who talk too much?n this nagging voice at the back of my head that jeers at whatever i do, dont talk like that to ur frens, dont act like that u look stupid, u dont deserve it, u dont deserve happiness, look at me i ddnt deserve happiness so y shud u...all these thoughts i attribute to my mom who in turn shud attribute it to her mom. how neglected was she that she became this anti-social recluse who still cant adapt to a new way of life after 20 years here. n how abnormal can u get to claim u dont need frens n think of her lousy sisters as friends. i see my moms life n i shudder. i love her but i dont wanna end up a social recluse like her. my family's so fucked up. financial problems, tightness...i feel a tightening of the hunger belt and guilt whips me everyday when i think of dad working his butt off EVERY fuckin day at mmu 12 hours straight with no rest, no life and around those stupid nurses...i get so scared...scared that they mite seduce him n he mite succumb. i mean great men have fallen this way.they thought they were invincible and morally concious ppl until they met sly seductresses that wean them away from their wives.i mean he spends more time wit them n his patients than he does wit us. it stabs like a dagger in2 my heart when i see other fathers havin the time of their lives when he's stuck in the same cubicle everyday for 12 hours, doing the same thing everyday and his only outlet or recreation is the masjid...n the canteen. i dont want a life like this for my father. i think this is also y im depressed. seeing my dad have no life apart from work kills me inside. i feel like its my fault. that as the eldest daughter i should hav been more responsible, shud hav gotten a scholarship by now, that i shud have changed mom's attitude into something more positive...n motivated my bro n sis into studying hard. im also riddled with worry for them. i mean like my lil sis just changed school from eng based to malay n im so worried she'll do badly for her UPSR. n i feel like a bitch for not being there enuf for her, for not overseeing her education and improving her mental health. i mean i want her to have a social life but who can blame her when her mom herself is a social recluse who never showed her how to deal wit ppl. but who cowardly runs away from social situations generally condemning ppl as bad n friends as unnecessary distractions that r out there to take advantage of u...n my lil bro is such a lil suck up, and wuss coz he feels he has to keep pleasing ppl n is always anxious that someone will scold him. maybe my family is dysfunctional.maybe mon was rite but so is hers. wat kinda family is it that is led by the mom n d dad is a puppet and sperm donor with benefits and who's scared of the wife and where the eldest daughter, far from being resposible has grown up to be a snarky, narcisstic, sarcastic bitch who values beauty more than her soul. who wud sell her mom off to the devil to get perfect skin...n y am i always at odds wit myself...maybe the truth

bitches galore

2007-07-17T06:54:55Z

is d world just overflowing with bitches or what.there r nice malays but sad to say the majority of them are just a sad, sad jealous bunch. today i felt pretty in my shirtdress and pants and new tudung and i allowed two bitches to get to me. y do i care so much what these pieces of shit think? i think im an expert at smelling bitches from a million miles away now.the way they dress, speak, hold themselves all give them away. u kno wat looks do matter as in u cant hide who u are.if ure a bitch it shows straightaway. bitch no 1# was like "oh no offense(with a sneer) but ur dress reminds me of my pajamas..." but i felt proud to say i was rly calm n retorted by saying that her shawl looked like my great-grandmother's castoff and did she actually wear a shirtdress to sleep? n if so how pathetic. dat wiped d smirk off her fucked up, over foundationed, fake contact lensed faced.
bitch no 2# was like" khairun WHAT are u wearing? n r u actually wearing lipstick coz d colour is so bright" n i was like " yeah i like it dat way, got prob??". bitch.
but all my frens...d ppl who actually make life bearable over there were like" u look rly pretty, what a cute dress"...not d btches: sheera, nadia, shaz, ijah....
i mean if u have no style, n no dress sense dont get intimidated by someone who has. pathetic shit man. i hate them. just coz i can wear stuff other than stupid baju kurung. n even their version of the best baju sucks shit.its so crappy even d toilet cleaners wear better stuff than them n they show off all te time like " oh i just came back from america, disney land" blah blah blah n no dress sense. at least carry urself decently n dress like a human being n dont get jealous at other ppl for actually dressing properly. oh well y am i even wasting my time with them.
n im also kinda upset coz there r like ttl NO hot guys in law at all. all of them r like little shrimps and either the same height as me or shorter(d majority of malay girls r rly short so i stand out like a stork amongst ducks-which is annoying-like its my fault to be taller than them). n d ones dat r tall r weird n ugly(if there r any...maybe 0.1 percent r tall). n d foreign guys r tall but there rnt many n they stick with their own kind. im sure ill be a spinster FOREVER.n i find that many of the malays r insecure and racist. not openly to me(with the exception of mega bitch nadia)but sometimes they forget that im a foreigner too, think im one of them n start crapping abt "foreigners".hahah
but fatin, tasha, zahirah and sticky(atiqah) r nice to me. they actually give me d respect i deserve. n i for d first time i feel comfy with myself in uia around them. like i dont have this fake image to live up to n be ignored. they actually care abt me...like when im absent they'll fill in my attendance for me n get d notes and all.n i have so much fun being with them, laughin and being happy and not havin to be on my guard all the time.

boredom

2007-05-21T06:45:06Z

its been another boring, mundane day. i want to live an exciting adventurous life not something boring like this: wake up, watch tv, wash dishes, do internet, make bed, do some more internet, watch tv and go to sleep. my life is so pathetic no social life, nothing. its empty like a hollow. boring. dead. dead leaves rustling. no ambition, no hope. nothing. i hate movies all those sugar coated, candy floss movies where everyone is heavy and life is a masquerade ball. coz once the movie is over, u start comparing ur life to the movie and teh characters in it and realize what a pathetic lump it is, an obese woman sitting in a field of popcorn in front of a zombie tv. i wish i ddnt have such a drive for adventure and fun and get depressed so easily. i wish i cud appreciate the finer things in life but i wanna live according to roald dahl's motto" my candle burns at both ends but ah what a lovely light it gives". beautiful and shoots straight to my heart. sometimes i think the world wud be better if there were no movies to stereotype and categorize life to tell us ordinary people how to measure our life and live it by. its like comparing an f1 car wit a kancil. total inaplicable but no one knows how many memories the little metal shell of a kancil had given birth to, how many smiles a

arrows n hearts is to me n u.

2006-11-21T19:04:33Z

sigh i got arab tuition tmro. gotta go all d way to d hellhole which ill be seeing in another 4 days. but on d brite side ill be having a bit more social life coz at home my social life is almost non-existent. not dat i mind dat my mom is not that social n only does so as a necessity. i dont rly blame her. i mean she's a foreigner here and cant rly speak their lang n plus she's a housewife so not many opps for her to find friends in similar positions as hers.
but i did get to go out quite a lot these past days of d hols. went shopping n mve wit sarah, went 1 utama wit my cousins-had fun talking trash n trashing d new bond( more like bong) guy n who wud make d perfect bond girl- we came up wit beyonce, natalia vodianoya, penelope( but then later rejected coz she's too flat), gisele bundchen, angelina( hot mama but then she wud take d spotlight away)...and of course chatting wit patty online n just talking away-perfect bliss. i cant believe she act found me a web site to send sms so that i cudnt give d "excuse" of havin no cred. d smart ass!im dying to know y she hates mr london so much...oooh d suspense is killing me.
my lil bro's sick again. he vomited like 4 times today-probly coz of food poisoning. poor thing. mum's worried nuts over him but he seems ok now n enjoying d attention. i had to tell him 2 stories! n even juju was nicer to him. but it was shortlasting wen leo was like" aha! u do love me rite ju. look ure fussing over me" n they fought like cats n dogs afterwards.period.
i saw ahmad's profile today. i mean i cant believe i actually felt jealous wen i saw his pretty new gf...wtf is wrong wit me? ddnt even kno d guy. heck i ddnt even look at him.hahah funny me. nah i think i was just curious.not like he's d only guy in d world.

things i fear(gotten from naina)

2006-06-24T08:50:22Z

Fears

[ ] the dark
[ ] staying single
[x] getting married
[x] being a parent
[x] giving birth
[x] being myself in front of others
[x] open spaces
[ ] closed spaces
[ ] heights
[ ] cats
[x] dogs
[ ] birds
[x]spiders and/or other insects
[ ] driving or being in cars
[ ] flying
[ ] being put to sleep
[ ] flowers or other plants
[x] being touched
[ ] fire
[ ] water
[ ] the ocean
[ ] pools
[x] failure
[ ] success
[ ] germs
[ ] thunder/lightning
[x]frogs/toads
[x] mice/rats
[ ] jumping from high places
[ ] snow
[ ]rain
[ ]wind
[x]cemetaries
[x]clowns
[ ] large crowds
[x] demons or evil
[ ] crossing bridges
[x] death
[x] Hell
[ ] Heaven
[x] being robbed
[x] being sexually assulted
[ ] men
[ ] women
[ ] having great responsibility
[ ] doctors, including dentists
[ ] tornadoes
[ ] hurricanes
[x] being punished
[x] diseases
[x] snakes
[x] sharks
[ ] Friday the 13th
[x] poverty
[x] ghosts
[ ] Halloween
[x] school
[ ] trains or railroads
[x] fear?
[x]being alone
[x] losing all my friends
[x] being blind
[x] being deaf
[x] growing up
[ ] monsters under my bed
[x] creepy noises in the night
[ ] bees
[x] not acomplishing my dreams
[ ]Outside

moonshadowsu @ 2006-06-21T14:40:00

2006-06-21T06:45:13Z

dear online journal/diary/whatever

2006-03-29T05:50:52Z

these past 4 days have been a kinda exciting whirlwind coz i followed my aunt to her jewellery stall in the klcc convention centre...it was an experience id never had before.it was like tasting an exotic fruit which leaves a feeling of allure and mystery on ur tongue long after its gone. my aunt dolled me up and got me to wear all the beautiful jewellery(she let me choose whayever i wanted).i actually felt good and enjoyed all the attention i was getting coz i was the youngest person in the fair...i tried to make myself useful by using honey coated words on customers and saying hello to like a 100 ppl...many of whom thought i was a local and i had to say the same thing over and over again" im helping my aunt out.no im burmese" to which they wud look at me in surprise coz she's so fair and im so brown (no thanx to being a swimming fanatic).
there was also this twenty something indian guy whose stall was right behind ours and he always tried to hit on me.my aunt was always annoyed by him and tried to shoo him away from but he never got her hints. i ddnt know wat to say coz he was standing in front of the counter so long that i blurted out w/o thinking "are u indian?" to which my aunt sarcastically said " no he's from china". he ddnt seem to understand the slight and proceeded to say i looked like an indian to which there were muffled sounds of laughter from my cousin and the others who came to help my aunt. i blushed like a beetroot and finally i pretended i dropped something and was crawling on all fours so that he was forced to talk to my grumpy aunt.finally wit a last look at me ( to my huge relief) he went away. i endured lots of taunts and teasing for the rest of teh day...
actually im supposed to be praying rite now coz the UIA board are decidingw ho will get to enter UIA today but my mind is a mess so i decided to write here.wish me luck

dont ask me what the title is coz i dont know

2006-03-09T17:14:39Z

today started off well.nasi lemak and coffee for a late breakfast when all my frens are sweatin their asses of in college was the bomb. but everything went kinda downhill after that.btw y doi always rite in terms of "today", the good and the bad...arrgh im so annoying to myself! anyways theres this new shop near ampang point called Cash Converters where u sell old things that u dont use any more and get some money for it.my mom being the shrewd, business woman she is jumped at the chance of selling our old electric piano which we was getting dusty in the attic. i was a little embarrased abt following her and carrying the piano(it wasnt very big thank God) into the shop.i was like wat if someone i knew saw me and thought "su shops at the place where they sell used stuff!"...
finally to my enormous relief mom allowed me to wait in the car while she tried to negotiate the amt of money over that piano...it ended up that she cudnt sell it coz many of the keys werent functioning.i had to stop myself from saying i told u so and grinning...after all that waiting in the car in the hot sun and having to fetch my sis ( yes i drove to skool from near ampang point all alone!)from fis while mom did the bargaining. after that failed attempt to sell the old piano, my mom was like " hey im not gonna go back just like that after all the heat and the bargaining and the wasted time" my mom dsnt like to admit defeat. so we went into (yes that detestable shop...i ddnt want to but my mum was like "or else")that shop and looked at all the stuff that was on for sale. which was all boring, ugly stuff...they ddnt even sell books!
anyways i was busy talking to junior when all of a sudden i saw a flash and had the feeling some perverts were like staring at me.as soon as i turned around i saw three men,one in a business suit and that guy in the business suit had his camera pointed at me but he never looked at me when i was looking at him.he acted all cool and confident like he was doing a the right thing.logically thinking he was like 3 rows behind me and being in a formal sui, could have just been taking shots of the shop.maybe he was the owner or manager and furthermore he ddnt even glance at me when i was studying him to see whether he was taking pics of me. i told my mom and she said he probly was taking pics of the shop but i had that gut feeling he took a pic of me.but wat cud i do?i mean its not like i cud march up to him and demand his camera when i cudnt prove it. when it was only my gut feeling. but in the end i got back in the car and tried to convince myself that i was over reacting. i had thoughts like "wat if my pic appears in a porn site or sumthing" the thought made me shudder and made me wanna just smash that idiotic camera. i just cant help hating perverted men.i hope i hav the guts to trust my instinct and smash the camera shud such a thing ever occur again( i hope not but i felt defeated, robbed of my modesty). i just prayed that if he did do that, May Allah punish him in a million ways and may worst fears be not true.

shot with snot and looking like a goth

2006-03-07T07:02:43Z

gosh i hate being sick...im always have tears running down my face and my nose getting crammed wit u know wat...n summore the fucking comp is on the top most floor where theres no air cond so its always hot, humid and sweaty up here in the afternoon. thank God i wasnt sick when i went for my cousin's wedding.the wedding was the 1st id been to since i became a teen.i got to dress up, do my hair and all that stuff which was pretty fun but which also left a hole in my mom's pocket. omg there was this freaking hot burmese guy like 5 yrs older than me who i heard used to study in fis.me, mon and even fari were like drooling over him...all burmese guys in my opinion are ugly like hell.n most of them are shorter than me or the same height as me.the few that are tall are damn ugly...like aliens from a snot world.i know im mean but cant help it.i shud hav been born a thai coz there are so many hot guys in thailand. so i was rly surprised when i saw this guy that actually looked good and was taller than me...
part of me wanted him to like see me but the other part was too shy to even be anywhere near him. sarah wud hav made eye contact wit him.she's so good wit guys.even nainz is good with guys-there's a poor bloke who likes her...im like a complete loser when it comes to guys.seriously i shud have bin born in thailand.
Fari was looking hot like she always does and mon ddnt look short for once tho she kept saying " i hate u" for wearing heels.in her opinion i shud always wear flats near her.yeah like hell i wud.i cant help being taller than her! ive finally made up wit azlan.he was being such a bitch these past few months but i forgave him n we acted like nothing happened...but i must admit he did actually look presentable without his basketball shoes and stinky gelled hair.
i hope i wont die of boredom and find something to do soon.

my bm results came out

2005-10-13T17:09:52Z

i was so squashed today coz my bm result came out.if dat alone wasnt enuf of a shock it brought a bad shock.i still got d same grade..a B.so much for d hoping and praying.when i saw d email from mrs g, i ddnt even dare to open it. when i did and saw my grade i ddnt know what i felt.i just felt NOTHING.so i thot i was coping well until i prayed my ashar prayers and totally broke down and cried.i felt so bitter towards God.i prayed everyday, intensely to Him and He didnt even care about me.I felt so angry, confused and unloved.i prayed..just for once God pls answer my prayer and even this wasnt answered...i felt so crushed and disappointed.
i was upstairs for so long my prnts(more like my dad-my mum doesnt rly care abt me i think.we had another fight again but now we're talking.)bcame worried and dad came to check up on me.i told him in a very calm voice(i was thinking how cud i be so calm when inside im a bloody mess?)that i got a B for bm.he was rly good abt d whole thing. i was like "dad the rm 300 is wasted then!" and he's like "i dont care abt the money" but inside i bet he's just as disappointed as i am.he told me to come downstairs at once( i had just finished praying then)...that was when i poured water into my eyes to stop my parents frm finding out ive been a sissy over it.but it just made it worse coz my eyes puffed up and they became red.GREAT. finally i went down pretending to be cool abt it. then i had this sudden urge to use the loo coz all the sympathy and understanding they were showing me made me feel more like an idiot for disappointing them.i just cried my eyes out in d downstairs toilet.when i came out my dad lectured me that "ure life doesnt end just bcoz u dont get another A for a subject which the malaysian education board doesnt acknowledge to be up to their standards". they were like" we r already proud of u" n my tears just came rolling down one after the other.i told im gonna look like an idiot when sarah gets 9As and he was like"to hell wit what other ppl think"...although it wud have been better if they had just shouted at me and scolded me, i now feel much better bcoz they dont feel that i have let them down disgracefully.i've made up my mind-next tyme im never gonna underestimate a subject and give equal attention to all my subs.
my mum permed her hair today. i think she looks much nicer wit her new haircut although as usual she regrets the money she spent on it...lounus was such a little pest today.he hit everybody esp junior. he practically slapped her over her face and there was a red weal on her face.then he flashed his susu at me, leena, my bro and sis.his mom spanked him and he started crying. i just cant bear to see small children being spanked esp if that small child is lounus so i begged her to stop but afterwards he was just as naughty coz he wasd back to his usual annoying little self.tomorrow im free FINALLY coz ju's last exam is tmro!yay!yippies!
and i had this rly unusual dream in which i was driving a car in something like the game"grand theft auto" where u drive around killing ppl, changing cars and just wreaking havoc.it was so weird coz i hate the game so much and hate anybody who plays it as much.i was driving this big, red car that splashed into puddles, ran over houses(wtf??) and stopped at mcdonalds to order a coke where i met this cute dood..n i forgot...
naina is the only fren who has a live j acct so im trying to recruit other ppl(which has bin hopeless until now.how cum she has so many fwens wit cute names?).neways i finally replied to her to email today.anymore delays and she will get mad.in a frenship btwn (duh)two frens is made up of one friend being the good natured, nice one and well...the other being a little fiery tempered...so basically naina is ahem...the nice and sexy fren wit dat fiery temper.but ive seen ppl wit worse tempers than hers so its not so bad.dont get mad if ure reading this patty!its all true!