| I hate life as always |
[December 27th // 10:42AM] |
I think i must be the only one who hates herself this much. Most of all because i have little or no control over my life. Life is like a massive whirlpool sucking everything into a black vortex and i am an aimless driftwood mercilessly caught in its raging currents. Its like i have no guidance, no purpose in life. I just drift along aimlessly. Sometimes i think God has forsaken me. I hate that there are so many restrictions of which i dont understand and i hate myself because i cannot make myself pray 5 times a day. I hate myself because i cannot be something more. I hate myself because i think i need to earn love-that i would only be loved if i became a somebody. And every minute that passes by im nearer a breakdown. I dont think i can be a somebody and my parents have ensnared me in an ultimatum-i either become a somebody or die an unloved, unfulfilled somebody. Do u know how much stress it puts on me? It's like my life will only reach significance and purpose once i become a somebody. As long as i haven't reached that goal yet i will always continue to be an almost but not quite girl. Im sick of being levered and manipulated based on other peoples' opinions. I hate that i have to pretend to fit in.I hate that MP is so superficial and i hate Mon for hurting me like this. Most of all i hate myself for letting people push and pull me this and that way.
I also hate KJ for being such a drama loving pompous ass who wrapped himself in a delusion cocoon of grandeur which no one else falls for but his naive girl friend.
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| Gorsh |
[August 31st // 05:56AM] |
I guess i got a new perspective when i hung out with my old school friends. They were so nice and warm and funny as hell. Abeer was the glue, the ice breaker that brought us together and even Nainz was the social butterfly. This has got to be one of the best moments in my life and i finally felt accepted in this strange alien world full of false assumptions and presumptions and bricks built on foundations of lies.
And it made me question what the hell im doing in a retarded place like UIA. Why am i there? Is it worth all the pain and suffering and mental conflicts? Why is everyone so mundane and kampung and why am i so judgmental? And why cant i just seem to get a boyfriend? ANd i wonder with shame if id come across as desperate to Syazwan. I hope the dood burns in hell. Why ddnt he want me? Why did he push me away when i could have been the best thing that happened to him? But now its too late, my feelings for him have dried up like leaves in sad, sad autumn. All i have is contempt and a feeling of rejection albeit never expressed in words or actions thoroughly.
Maybe im one of those hermit souls doomed to live and die a solitary life w/o a partner. Coz no one ever fully got her. And she was always MS Almost. Almost this, almost beautiful, Almost really smart, Almost every man's dream, Almost the perfect daughter, Almost achieved her ambition, almost...almost...almost. I think i dread being an Almost. Id rather be bad ass n achieve nothing than be an almost coz at least if i was badass id be good at being a badass and not having a care for the rules that govern Ms Almost. I hate not making the cut. I hate uncertainty and fear of the deep blue where anything is possible. Even my own strength but all i see are the myriad of almosts and failings and things that could go wrong.
And feels like crap at home coz i have no set routine and mom and dad expect so much of me sometimes i wish i was carefree and selfish like Mon. Then they wudnt expect so much of me coz i wudnt be able to deliver. Like now i feel guilty being up here spending so much time wasting it
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